Trauma Frustrations

Basically, since the PTSD became unlocked it's hijacked my whole life. I spend most of my time avoiding myself rather than actually living. It's bullshit, and I keep thinking there must be some way to just "not let it control me."

Then I have a bad night with night terrors keeping up the neighbours.

Or an involentary reaction in public to an otherwise innocuous word or anecdote.

It's amazing how difficult it is to even discribe what happens to someone who hasn't experienced it first-hand. Although I understand the mechanism and can talk about the Thalimus sending signals to the Amygdala which reacts independantly of the Medial Frontal Cortex, it lacks the sheer helplessness the MFC feels in being left out of the conversation. It fails to explain the sudden sensation of being switched off and removed from the decision-making process.

I remember watching Forest Gump in the theater with an older friend, a military vetran. Although I sympathized with him as he sank into his seat, gripping the armrests while THX-SurroundSound tracer bullets screamed around the screen, I didn't truly understand. Considering the date, I'm not sure anyone understood exept a fellow vet.

We understand so much more than we did back then. We have much for which to thank Dr. VanDerKolk and General Dallaire.

The kids today (what am I, old?) talk about "trigger warnings" and triggering subjects. I think it's often bullshit. Yes, some things might make me uncomfortable, but an actual trigger is a singular experience, and not one I would wish on anybody.

For example, discussions about spousal abuse are uncomfortable reminders of my past. I don't like them, but I realize that's part of my experience, and maybe I can contribute something valuable to the conversation. Yes, my BP goes up, heart-rate, etc... but I'm not "triggered."

On the other hand certain specific words, actions, sensations result in immediate physiological reactions. They instantly engage my Fight/Flight/Freeze Amygdala alarm responses. My mid- and hind-brains see no difference between that trigger and the sound of a tiger in the brush six feet away.

In an uncomfortable situation "I" am still in control. In a truly triggered situation "I" am just a passenger as millions of years of self-preservation instincts take over.

Sometimes the former is damned hard, but I mostly feel my own autonomy, and that's important. When triggered I don't blame anyone. I don't get angry. I accept that people wander on to psychological land-mines, and those psychic scars are mine, not theirs.

I can't imagine being in a classroom and outright banning entire areas of discussion because of my illness. That takes away from everyone's ability to learn. I might make a note of known triggers to my prof, but I'm not going to ban whole areas of inquery.

Equally, I'm not going to take courses that are likely to contain triggering content.

A student with legitimate PTSD needs to be in therapy. In the case of simple, single event PTSD we have real treatment options.