Tales of Trauma I

Poor ignored blog. I suppose, though, that this was intended to be a kind of discussion of my path, my Odyssey so to speak. I think I've tried too hard to avoid discussing anything personal, and so, as a defunct tool it might be worth ressurecting it as a tool for my own well being.

So in October my "primary health care professional" decided to put me on medical Cannabis rather than up my usual pain meds. Of course I've spent my entire life AVOIDING Cannabis, so this made it very difficult for me. What's worse is that this coincided with the 20th anniversary of my death. The fact that I've been having to do a lot of my own medical research has been very triggering for me.

The use of the material, although high in the supposedly pain related CBDs, has been a struggle. Not just finding the right delivery method (which has been tricky) but also finding the right WAY to use the stuff. It's not great, but if I get really stoned I can actually feel distance from the physical pain.

But then it unlocks a lot of emotional pain.

I have no idea how to even articulate the overwhelming sense of loss, anger, frustration, ect... which forcefully bubbles up when I use the Cannabis. There's over 20 years of repression, loss, and personal damage that just has no way to ground. I feel as though doing anything WITH it would be to poison whatever or wherever it goes. There's been a lot of sobbing.

A big part of this feeling is the sense of loss. I feel as though the last 20 years has been utterly stolen from me. From 25 to 45 should have been some of the best years of my life, and they haven't been. That's not to say that some of them weren't pretty good, but I so seldom have my pain in proper control (especially now with a squeamish healthcare practitioner) that I just try to get through each day. I've spent most of these years simply existing, and not actually living. When I look back, I miss my youth and good looks, and feel that they were literally stolen from me. In fact, it's as though my life was irrevocably broken in 1997 because of what those doctors did back then.

It's like, my life went off the rails when my step-father hit me in, what, 1991, and it's never been back on track since. That was the event that made me end up with my first wife, who would have made a better friend than otherwise, but she was pursuing, and I was alone in the world with nowhere to go. I love the boys, but I think we would have had a better relationship if I hadn't been their step-father, but rather a friend of the family. Or something.

Then dead at age 25, evacuated to a northern community, and the subsequent shit and abuse and just horrors that I've been through since.

I'm so afraid of burning out the one light I have in my life. She's pretty much everything to me, which is patently unfair to her. And yet, no matter how many times I've tried to build a broader network up here, it never works out. I have different views on life, I have different interests, I'm a very different person from the norm up here, and I generally lack inspiration. I'm lonely and I don't see it getting much better any time soon. Those with whom I do click are, of course, all too ready and willing to get the hell out of this town and to go somewhere civilized. It hurts to see them go, but at the same time, I cannot blame them.

Most people who live here are from here. They have common experiences growing up that I don't. It's very hard to fit in to a foreign place.

But it was after a severe panic attack while I was up at the hospital for X-rays on my degenerating hips that I realized there are depths to trauma that the Occultist cannot necessarily work through on their own. The entire system is built on psychodrama, subconscious programming, and meta analysis, which are fantastic tools, but even the most talented surgeon relies on radiologists and medical doctors to feed them good information. Making the best incision is pointless if you don't know where to cut.

It's become very clear to me that I don't know where to cut, at least when it comes to working through my own trauma. It's becoming something I cannot ignore because I expect to have a number of surgeries over the next five to ten years, and having the very hospital itself as a trauma trigger is not conducive to successful surgical treatment.

So I decided to go looking for help.

Our Mental Health Care System is worse than our Medical Health Care System. Nowhere else is the two-tier system more clearly defined than in the cases where one needs therapy. Perhaps part of it is that I never seem to have normal problems. A dubious way in which to be "special."

That is not to say that advances have not been made. If I'd been sexually assaulted as a child, there are now supports for men as well as women, something that didn't exist before. If I was struggling with work and employment, there are groups where men can talk about, whatever it is... I assume it has much to do with the way society has programmed us to equate our self-worth with our careers.

If I were an addict, there's help. If I had a mental illness and was in trouble with the law, there's advocacy. There are many, many programs available, and I don't feel in any way slighted by them as I see the necessity for those programs on a social level. But when we get right down to it... I seem to fall between the supports finding the cracks where nobody is waiting to help. I'm getting a little tired of hearing sympathetic people tell me that, although they see that I need help, they're not the ones qualified to help me, maybe I can try x or y service.

For Simple PTSD, there is apparently nothing. I have an appointment with someone who deals with Complex PTSD, and since my Simple PTSD is not unrelated there might be some help there. At the very least I hope I can root out and burn some of the bad programming that resulted from my first marriage. I absolutely know that this must be done, but after the panic attack at the hospital, I really feel as though the Iatrogenic PTSD needs to be a priority. I have 2 weeks before I need to go back up to get needles in my hips, and who knows how long before I actually have to go for full replacement surgery.

I feel it is a testament to the Occult training that I've not turned into a bitter asshole over any of this. Pain and trauma often erode the personality leaving people acting more like wounded animals than representing the better angels of their nature. Equally, it has allowed me to identify clues as to my own mental state. Getting angry about the Medical Cannabis was a good signal that something was wrong, and from there I made the connection to the Anniversary Date. The panic at the hospital was a surprise, but I can see it from a larger perspective. I'm also very aware of the anxiety I feel any time I encounter men on this journey. I honestly don't know how honest I can be with a male counsellor/therapist. My experience is that they tend to be competitive and judgemental and I instantly feel defensive. At the very least, the process of navigating the system is pointing out mile markers on the roadmap of the Shadow.

In Western Occultism we build something called the Magical Personality, a separate "self" which is used during the Work of magic, meditation, ritual, etc... This personality is supposed to be free of the random baggage which is attached to our primary personality which is formed at the whims of external forces. It's the difference between a cultivated formal Bonsai tree and one that's grown on a windswept hill.

One has to be careful not to corrupt the magical personality, so it cannot be used, say, for undergoing a medical procedure. On the other hand, if one is in an hospital waiting room and they take out a mala in order to practice ZaZen, well that's a perfectly normal use of that secondary personality. The Magical Personality tends to be "detached from results" and focuses on the work at hand. Perhaps one could call it a fine line between Mindfulness and Mindlessness.

Cultural Appropriation

In Canada right now there is a huge explosion in media around cultural appropriation. This relates to major media outlets having had important employees speak about things about which they are ignorant, and that is the hardest thing of all.

I will admit, when I moved to a city near a Native reserve, my knowledge of Native culture and the role Europeans had in trying to destroy it utterly. I was unfamiliar with systemic racism having come from a rather cosmopolitan city. I knew nothing about the Native Residential School System, and had no idea what Cultural Appropriation is all about.

I find the subject particularly concerning because one of my major fields of study, and passions, is anthropology. I love cultures. I love getting inside of them, seeing the world through their eyes, exploring their spirituality and relationship to the universe. Unlike some anthropologists of the past, I'm not interested out of a kind of sterile curiosity as were the colonial researchers of the past, but out of a desire to learn and discover.

Our Western Mysteries, and other traditions, teach us that we are all ONE, and that we are permutations of a single Limitless Light that refracts infinitely as we manifest in the universe. If we only ever look at that universe from a single point of view then it's like looking at a sculpture with a single light, through a hole in the wall. It might as well be a painting. Exploring and celebrating other cultures allows us to take that sculpture and rotate it around, shine different lights on it, and discover completely new wonders and joys.

So how does appropriation work then? We'll take a moment to cover this.

To the casual observer I'm sure my home, and my closet, look like a massive shrine to appropriation. I think what we have to ask ourselves is, what is the intent?

When I was young I'd go to the big Canadian tourist places with my Grandparents. It's one of the things you do. I remember a particular image that would pop up all of the time: an Indian man in profile, facing to the viewer's right, wearing a huge feathered headdress. This image was on nearly everything. I particularly remember wooden nickles and a drum I was given. A drum with a cardboard barrel (printed up like birch bark) and a kind of rubbery head with this guy's face on it. The drum was made in Taiwan or China, or somewhere, and it came with a beater, complete with fake feathers attached.

Appropriation Drum.

So here are products, sold by white people, made by Asian people, and sold on the power of the likeness of the Canadian Indian. In that exchange, the only people who didn't get a cut of the money were... yes the Native Canadian. That drum was made to look as Native as possible. It looked a lot like the one on the right, but with that "Indian Chief" image emblazoned across the "skin." Yes... to use this toy I had to figuratively beat a Native Canadian in the face... with a stick. How insane is that?

On the other hand, when I buy something now, I look into the source. I own some lovely Dashiki shirts, made in Africa, and sold at a booth by a self-employed African-Canadian woman. All of the money I spent on that piece is going to members of the culture from whence it came. Similarly if you buy Native Indian crafts on reserve, and not from Hot Topic or American Apparel, your money is going to the people of origin, as opposed to white millionaires who profit on the backs of other people.

The difference of intent is important to the Occultist. Are you truly supporting and celebrating a culture by purchasing a T-Shirt with a Cultural Design from a big company? Do you know if they had the legal rights to publish that design? Where is the money going? Knowing and planning are important. As Priests and Priestesses of the Universe we must strive to leave the world of Assiah somewhat better than it was when we entered.

Now the current debate comes down to Native Appropriation in Art. Here the lines get even less rigid. Toronto painter Amanda PL had her gallery show pulled when they they had a backlash because her paintings, inspired by the Woodlands Style, were not painted by a Native Canadian. Suddenly we come up against freedom of speech and expression, but also political history and social perception.

On one hand, we have a woman who has honed her craft to create beautiful paintings. On the other we have one more white person taking something away from Native Canadians and presenting it as her own. Yes, the paintings are her own, but the style is not.

In Canada during the 20th Century White People took Native Canadians, stole them away from their families, locked them in residential schools to "Civilize and Christianize" the savage barbarians. Children were beaten for speaking "the devil's tongue" and severely punished for trying to wear their own clothing from home. Many children never made it out alive, their parents waiting at airplanes for children who would never come home. I've known Res School survivors and they are all psychologically damaged in some way, by MY people, in MY lifetime.

Since the 1990's when the schools were finally shut down, Native Canadians have been striving to rebuild their culture and identity. It's been a hard road for them, and they've had to fight a lot of ignorance and racism along the way. It's only in 2017 that schools in Ontario are getting history curriculum units covering the Native Residential Schools, the '60s Scoop, and other atrocities Canada has inflicted upon its Native population. Ignorance in this area is so bad, many teachers ask why they have to learn and teach these units. They don't see the point.

So that's the political climate in which a white woman planned to have a huge gallery show, filled with Native inspired art, which—if sold—would not benefit a single Native Canadian.

What's the intent here? Most gallery shows are designed to make money. The gallery and the artists are in a position to benefit financially and socially from a culturally appropriated style in a political environment where many Native artists, doing the exact same work, cannot get even a single wall, let alone an entire gallery, on which to showcase their work. I've seen beautiful stuff rolled up in the hands of poor "Indians" who were going door to door trying to sell their work for a few bucks. In that situation, how can it be OK for a non-Native to show comparable work in a high-end art gallery?

The problem, I feel, with the current debate is that it seems to be scaring off the allies of indigenous peoples. If I write a book, does it mean everyone has to be White, or Whitish conforming to a singular culture? Am I allowed, as a White Author to include other cultures and peoples in my writing? That's not reductio ad absurdum, it happens all of the time right now where a white author writing a non-white character catches hell from the media. The problem is that you cannot represent an entire culture in a few characters.

For example, if I sit with my Native friends and build a Native character for a book or story, that character is only going to be representative of the experience of those people. Millions of other people will have a different experience of that culture, and they might, reasonably, feel that I was misrepresenting them in my writing.

Again, I come to intent. Does someone include non-White characters trying to capitalize on a culture? Does one put Black or African characters in a book hoping to tap into the "Black Market?" Or is the intent to be inclusive, to recognize that not everyone has the same backgrounds and the same skin colour? Different cultures include different motivations, different focuses in their education, and different ideologies. It took me forever to realize that a friend of mine was showing AFFECTION by poking fun at me. I was genuinely hurt because I didn't understand that, amongst the Anishnaabe, this was normal, affectionate behaviour one used towards good friends. I've learned to understand their humour, and often, prefer their company to those of my own culture with its hardened edges.

Coming to a clear point, as Occultists of the Western Tradition we are given one clear rule "we profess only to heal, and that freely." Healing means understanding the illness, and approaching it armed with knowledge, understanding, and empathy. We need to bring together all of the attributes of the six middle sephiroth and apply them to the world in Malkuth.

Remember, the first step to wisdom is admitting ignorance. If you're ever unsure about whether or not something is appropriation, find people of that ethnicity (it's not hard on the Internet) and approach them humbly and ask them for help.

"Hi, I'm writing/painting/doing this project, and I'm trying to be inclusive/celebratory/whatever of your culture, but do not know at what point I cross into appropriation and would like your help and input in making sure that the work I'm doing remains respectful."

Or something like that. You'll always run into some people who are too angry to be really helpful because you resemble an oppressor and a combination of projection and PTSD will make it impossible for them to help. Bless them in your heart and hope for their healing, and move on until you find someone who will help. I've known many people who would be happy to be asked, and help, if it meant seeing a familiar face in a book, or a familiar heart in art.

Perhaps like most people I ignore my blogs. Mostly it's because I'm never sure what I should bother writing in public rather than putting in my personal journal.

The path has been a meandering thing over the last few years. Of late I've been struggling with what I enjoy about the Hermetic Path and frustration with the Wiccan Path. Perhaps Gardnerian doesn't fit well with my temperament or something, I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm not feeling it, you know?

The problem is that throughout my life people have told me I'd make a great Priest. Ever since about 1=10, I've thought of myself, and other Occultists, as "Priests of the Universe," We work with energy and forces which connect to the primary Force of the universe, and as such should cultivate compassion and love for all things. I know too many systems in the Occult community that think the opposite of this, and that's why I often complain that we're missing Alchemical Salt in our training methods. We're short on the Green Ray, so to speak.

In my life, I did try to go a more traditional route to becoming a Priest. I considered it as an Anglican (Church of England) but there were parts of the catechism I couldn't handle. "We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table. "  Every time I heard that I shuddered. I couldn't imagine a God who fit the criteria of my understanding of the Divine, treating people like that. I imagined what would happen to someone who approached Odin in that fashion. He'd stomp on them and boot them out the door. Humility and humble access can be achieved while maintaining pride in one's self.

The problem was that I'd had experience of the Gods when I was young. About 15 or 16 maybe? And I had studied the Hermetic Qabalah for far too long not to notice that the "Christian" God was unbalanced on the Tree.

But there was always encouragement. For a while I studied at an Orthodox Synagogue, and they thought I'd make a great Rabbi. At the United Church I even had a mentor, and elderly minister who thought I'd be brilliant. The Conference (like a Diocese) said my disabilities were too severe because they couldn't place me anywhere they wanted.

From time to time I've looked at Wicca. Often there was some barrier. Usually distance, or a spouse with only the veneer of support (she's a Christian now, or so I've heard). And that brings me back to now.

The other night someone told me how much they appreciated what I did for their son. I didn't understand, so they explained. Their son was going through a pretty severe breakup. Some of the other, more macho, neighbours were giving him a hard time about it for whatever reason. I talked to him. We just talked. We talked about computers and work, and life, and whatever, and he felt better. I treated him like a fellow human being and somehow that meant the world to him at the time.

It struck me that I have to figure something out. It's time.

For the last few years I've had people bugging me to "put on the Elder hat." Even strangers at psychic fairs have said "So why haven't you put on the hat?" I suppose that equally asks, "why aren't you living as a Priest?" I suppose the answer comes down to: "I'm an Hermeticist brought up as a High Church Anglican, and I need the paper. I need the ritual to make it real." Priest and Elder seem to me titles conferred by a community or tradition. I've not done specific work towards those things, though much of my other work is likely incidentally or tangentially the same.

These are titles that change the way you interact with people. So I think people need to give them to you in a formalized way. They affect community, and the community should confer them.

I was complaining to a friend about what I see as a lack of interesting stuff to do in Gardnerian. She's an expert astrologer and said that, between what she knows about me, and my chart, I'd make an amazing High Priest. I've already walked through the gates of Death, so there's that Initiation, as well as the various initiations I've had elsewhere. The problem is that I cannot figure out how to make it to the Third Degree in Gardnerian when all I really want to focus upon is Second Order work from the Hermetic perspective. When I try to answer the "official questions" for Gardnerian advancement, they're not things I can get out of the written materials, and I cannot seem to get them out of anyone else either. So either the questions are poorly compiled, or there's a breakdown in communication. Either way, it's not helpful.

Force for Good?

The tradition into which I am initiated gives two instructions. They are similar to those given in the old Golden Dawn rituals. The one is to respect the form of religion professed by another because it is not up to us to define what is sacred to them. The other is to balance Severity and Mercy. Excess Severity is cruelty, excess Mercy is weakness which would allow evil to go unchecked.
The same tradition teaches us that evil (both Positive and Negative evil) is that which retards the evolution of mankind.

So herein lies the problem, when these three are in conflict, what is our job as Priests of the Universe and Servants of Light?

In a number of recent conversations I've been challenged when I've said negative things about the Roman Catholic Church and other branches of Christianity. Now I'll say, yes, there are some very good, spiritual and loving Christians, but even if you take entire denominations into account they are less than 5% of all Christian sects... in some countries much less. I do not speak of them.
The problem, as I see it, is that these organisations are doing, and have done, great harm to both individuals and nations. Crusades aside, the Native Residential Schools were a form of sanctioned cultural genocide which included physical, emotional and even sexual abuse, sometimes even outright murder. So horrifying was this that everyone and their dog has issued an apology in the last 5 or 10 years (even though the system wasn't finally shut down until about the mid 1990's).
The Catholic School Experience is not a positive one, and I've heard graduates, separated by decades in age, relate very, VERY similar experiences. The physical, psychological and spiritual abuse can take a lifetime to overcome. It is frightening. Yet, they are a "religion" and I should be respectful and nice to them.
What is "religion" then? Religion, in my definition, is any strongly held, codified set of beliefs. They do not have to include a "God" in their beliefs (such as political movements) but in the minds of the followers, they do not seem very different from the surity which accompanies religion. Spirituality is different. The religion is the code, the cultus (proscribed actions) and the scripture. The mind, body and soul, together. But what in this is truly "sacred?"
In Catholicism, for example, I would argue that the ideas of redemption, ressurection and forgiveness are sacred. I would also argue that demanding 12 year old children go to confession on threat of eternal damnation is not. Nor is surrounding small children with torture porn images of Jesus. Catholic children are not taught the religion, nor even the sacred, but trained based on behaviour. You go to confession, even if you have to make things up to tell the Priest. You pray daily, you go to mass, you go through the motions, because if you don't YOU'LL BURN IN ETERNAL TORMENT! Terrifying children does not, in my mind, promote the evolution of humanity, nor shall I consider it "sacred."
How about the myriad sects who preach that you're going to Hell if you're not a member. Some are mangnamonious enough to allow that ALL Christians will get to heaven, but a large percentage are of the opinion that only the RIGHT KIND of Christian is allowed into Eternal Paradise. And you don't even have to be a good person, all of your sins are washed away because you accept Jesus as Lord and do his work "saving" humanity. At least, psychologically, there is something to be said for belonging to the "One and only true way" and being able to look down your nose at everyone else. It's false pride and community, but it's something.
In fact, I would argue that the entire industry of brain-washing young children into being afraid of Hell, believing they are the only ones going to Heaven and having nothing but distain and loathing for everyone else is, in it self, retarding human development. And this is not limited to Christianity. No, it has a brother, just as bad.
See, not all religions are like this. Not all religions conform to the Christian/Islam model of self-righteous condemnation of the world as a whole. The problem is that when one has respect for others, the other without respect has the power. "You're welcome to believe as you will, and follow the image of God you see fit" is a wonderful, beautiful sentiment. It does not fare so well when faced with "...and my God says you must all be wiped from the Earth in order to hasten his coming and stop you from condemning our children to hell with your lies."
We have seen this time and time again. A Native religion, such as that of the UK and Northern Europe is all but wiped out by Christian influence. Those who worshipped the Old Gods allowed them in, embraced them as brothers, and then got stabbed in the back. Hinduism, which sees all people as manifestations of the Godhead has been struggling for its very survival while Muslims burn Hindu temples and desecrate their sacred places.
Does not respect go two ways? If they respect other religions, than I believe we must respect them as well. But a religion of conversion, of hate, of violence cannot be included. It is true, an Occultist should be able to kneel at any Altar of Light. What I'm asking is, should we not exercise discrimmination and separate the Light from the Dark? Shall we treat Satanism, Coercive Cults, Scientology, and those who desecrate the sacred (like the "Kabbalah Center") in the same way that we treat Hinduism, Judaism, Shinto, Buddhism, Taoism, and Native Reconstructionsit Movements (Modern Paganism, Asatru, Greek and Roman reconstructionists, etc...)??? Should we not, as Magicians, as Priests of Light, say to some: "No, Thou art not one of us, thou hast forsaken the Light?"
Recently the Bishop in charge of making new laws and procedures for catching Paedophiles in the Roman Catholic Church was charged with Paedophelia. 16 was too old for him. 14 was the upper limit and some he paid in cash, others in coccaine. And yet, we shall not say that the Roman Catholic Church is corrupt right to its very core. No, we shall defend them as doing good in the world! Well I'm afraid I simply cannot agree.
I feel that the problem with the teaching outlined at the beginning of this post is incomplete and vague. What does it mean by "form of religion?" What does it mean by "sacred?" When are the religion and the church two separate entities? How can truly egalitarian and spiritual people respect such rigid, hateful and harmful religions? I believe it is incumbent upon us to call them out when we see them. And though we have true Brethren who follow Jesus and Mohammud, they are such a small minority that I wonder how we can even include them in the words "Christian" and "Muslim."
If we are to move forward as a race we need to break down the hate and fear of these religions. Perhaps they started as religions of Light, but they have fallen, fallen very far from their founding ideology. They have become corrupt. And we cannot simply blame "organised religion" as so many are wont to do. Other religions are organised, and they have no dreams of global conquest and the damnation of their fellows. Shinto and Buddhism, both organised in Japan, exist side by side. Some things have beld, one into the other, and yet they are more like a married couple than adversaries. Some people consider themselves belonging to both religions. Shinto itself has no funeral rites, Shinto funerals are performed by Buddhists. Judaism is structured and organised yet they have a tradition of refusing people three times if they want to convert. Most Jews just want to be allowed to live in peace, make a living, love God.
What we need to do is re-focus our attention on "Corporatised Religion!" The Roman Catholic Church is the greatest corporation in the world. It has a pan-global hierarchical structure unheard of in most of the world's religions. Christian denominations are companies, and their Priests and Ministers, employees. I know one case where a prospective minister was denied ordination in the United Church because his health precluded him from coverage under their insurance policy. It had nothing to do with his abilities, his sincerity nor his religion, but because the corporation could not hire him as an employee.
Jews have no such hierarchy. A Rabbi goes to school, graduates and gets his credentials. He then has to apply for positions with Synagouges which are independantly run by their communities. They have organisations to help in this process and a few that are dedicated to networking and communications, more associations than anything else. They have no chief Rabbi who is in charge of all Jews (regardless of denomination/sect) though an individual country might have a posting for "Chief Rabbi," they are not authoritarians in the same way of a Bishop or a Pope. Organisation has not turned into corporatisation.
Corporate Religion needs to be addressed. Religions that harm others need to be calle