20 years ago I stood at the temple door and was allowed admittance. 20 years ago I took an oath with all of my heart and all of my strength. I was so green then, it's hard to believe. But I placed my sacrifice upon that altar and, though I was not truly prepared or ready, the Gods accepted my sacrifice and then spent the next two decades forging it into something worthy. Oh, I don't expect I'm done, not my a long shot, but I've come a long way since then. Though the journey may still be a long road ahead, it is also time to look behind.
In some traditions 20 years marks you as an Elder. I've had good friends, respected friends and community leaders point this out to me. So I've been thinking about this a great deal and come to some realizations.
When I was that green lad, eager and fresh-faced, I thought of the Elders and Adepts as amazing, wonderful, mystical people. It is hard for me to imagine myself as what I imagined them to be. I understand now that's a certain amount of psychological projection on my part though. Now I can see that it is the distance of the journey that makes it seem so incredible. I have a long, long way to go, but so do those who are just now setting their feet upon the path, and I've already travelled a fair amount of that before them.
I've done this for about 10 years as the online director for my order. I've worked with students all over the world, teaching and helping and healing. It has always been through the auspices of the order though, and never quite as personal. I've relied on curriculum and limited karmic liability. Perhaps now it is time to change that. Perhaps now it is time to allow myself to work with personal students as well. As I return to the magical community in Ontario I find that the idea both appeals to me and scares me at the same time.
Then again, we look at the people who have come and gone, and if a community is to survive then someone has to be willing to pass on their knowledge and experience to others. I've done this for a long time internationally, but I think I've neglected my more local duties as well. That is not to say that I could abandon my order nor my many wonderful students, that won't ever happen. But it does mean that I have to be willing to work without the safety net of my fellow initiates and my own mentors as well. The fact that my superiors have been telling me that I'm "on my own" more and more now with those students should give me more confidence for personal work... but there is a big difference between carefully crafting an e-mail response and facing a gathering of students in the flesh.
I suppose I also wonder about this Elder definition. I know people who were initiated around the time that I was who left the Work to follow other paths and other life stories. Some became parents or dedicated themselves to their careers, others learned to resent the Work for various reasons... none of them could be called Elders. But I believe that it takes many lifetimes in order to travel this path, and sometimes that means setting foot in a temple, experiencing the Work, however briefly, and laying the foundations for another incarnation. Then there are those who have been dedicated to the Work, who have taught and aided as much as they can, for whom the word "Priest/ess" and "Initiate" are symbols of their oaths and their dedication to service.
There has been much synchronicity in these past few years. I had left, and been kept away from, the Pagan and Occult communities for a long time. I never ceased doing the Work, though at times it was very difficult. Yet those barriers disappeared suddenly in 2008. Then new people, good people, supportive people, started coming into my life. Some had just begun their experiences with the community and that opened the door for me to return. My Lady is SO supportive and wonderful, and yet she showed up at just the right time to make it possible for me to experience this transition.
The Goddess placed her hand on me long ago... and it is She who seems to have had a hand in much which has occurred in the last 4 or 5 years in preparing me for this next step in the Work. Though I don't like the word "Elder" it truly seems that this is Her intent, that I take my teaching work and make it more personal and more a part of the local community, and who am I to do aught but "serve the Will of She who sent me" ?
I'm starting to feel good about this new mantle, and I know that the Gods will bring to me those people that I need to know, those I need to work with, to learn from and those that I need to teach. I know this will happen, and have seen it begin already. We serve the Gods, who are but the manifestation of the Primal Will, the One Light, with which we may communicate without burning to ash and dissolution. Those of us who take the oaths with all our hearts... renew them with our Work and hold them dear day after day.
The coming year will be interesting and I look forward to discovering its wonders.