Tales of Trauma I

Poor ignored blog. I suppose, though, that this was intended to be a kind of discussion of my path, my Odyssey so to speak. I think I've tried too hard to avoid discussing anything personal, and so, as a defunct tool it might be worth ressurecting it as a tool for my own well being.

So in October my "primary health care professional" decided to put me on medical Cannabis rather than up my usual pain meds. Of course I've spent my entire life AVOIDING Cannabis, so this made it very difficult for me. What's worse is that this coincided with the 20th anniversary of my death. The fact that I've been having to do a lot of my own medical research has been very triggering for me.

The use of the material, although high in the supposedly pain related CBDs, has been a struggle. Not just finding the right delivery method (which has been tricky) but also finding the right WAY to use the stuff. It's not great, but if I get really stoned I can actually feel distance from the physical pain.

But then it unlocks a lot of emotional pain.

I have no idea how to even articulate the overwhelming sense of loss, anger, frustration, ect... which forcefully bubbles up when I use the Cannabis. There's over 20 years of repression, loss, and personal damage that just has no way to ground. I feel as though doing anything WITH it would be to poison whatever or wherever it goes. There's been a lot of sobbing.

A big part of this feeling is the sense of loss. I feel as though the last 20 years has been utterly stolen from me. From 25 to 45 should have been some of the best years of my life, and they haven't been. That's not to say that some of them weren't pretty good, but I so seldom have my pain in proper control (especially now with a squeamish healthcare practitioner) that I just try to get through each day. I've spent most of these years simply existing, and not actually living. When I look back, I miss my youth and good looks, and feel that they were literally stolen from me. In fact, it's as though my life was irrevocably broken in 1997 because of what those doctors did back then.

It's like, my life went off the rails when my step-father hit me in, what, 1991, and it's never been back on track since. That was the event that made me end up with my first wife, who would have made a better friend than otherwise, but she was pursuing, and I was alone in the world with nowhere to go. I love the boys, but I think we would have had a better relationship if I hadn't been their step-father, but rather a friend of the family. Or something.

Then dead at age 25, evacuated to a northern community, and the subsequent shit and abuse and just horrors that I've been through since.

I'm so afraid of burning out the one light I have in my life. She's pretty much everything to me, which is patently unfair to her. And yet, no matter how many times I've tried to build a broader network up here, it never works out. I have different views on life, I have different interests, I'm a very different person from the norm up here, and I generally lack inspiration. I'm lonely and I don't see it getting much better any time soon. Those with whom I do click are, of course, all too ready and willing to get the hell out of this town and to go somewhere civilized. It hurts to see them go, but at the same time, I cannot blame them.

Most people who live here are from here. They have common experiences growing up that I don't. It's very hard to fit in to a foreign place.

But it was after a severe panic attack while I was up at the hospital for X-rays on my degenerating hips that I realized there are depths to trauma that the Occultist cannot necessarily work through on their own. The entire system is built on psychodrama, subconscious programming, and meta analysis, which are fantastic tools, but even the most talented surgeon relies on radiologists and medical doctors to feed them good information. Making the best incision is pointless if you don't know where to cut.

It's become very clear to me that I don't know where to cut, at least when it comes to working through my own trauma. It's becoming something I cannot ignore because I expect to have a number of surgeries over the next five to ten years, and having the very hospital itself as a trauma trigger is not conducive to successful surgical treatment.

So I decided to go looking for help.

Our Mental Health Care System is worse than our Medical Health Care System. Nowhere else is the two-tier system more clearly defined than in the cases where one needs therapy. Perhaps part of it is that I never seem to have normal problems. A dubious way in which to be "special."

That is not to say that advances have not been made. If I'd been sexually assaulted as a child, there are now supports for men as well as women, something that didn't exist before. If I was struggling with work and employment, there are groups where men can talk about, whatever it is... I assume it has much to do with the way society has programmed us to equate our self-worth with our careers.

If I were an addict, there's help. If I had a mental illness and was in trouble with the law, there's advocacy. There are many, many programs available, and I don't feel in any way slighted by them as I see the necessity for those programs on a social level. But when we get right down to it... I seem to fall between the supports finding the cracks where nobody is waiting to help. I'm getting a little tired of hearing sympathetic people tell me that, although they see that I need help, they're not the ones qualified to help me, maybe I can try x or y service.

For Simple PTSD, there is apparently nothing. I have an appointment with someone who deals with Complex PTSD, and since my Simple PTSD is not unrelated there might be some help there. At the very least I hope I can root out and burn some of the bad programming that resulted from my first marriage. I absolutely know that this must be done, but after the panic attack at the hospital, I really feel as though the Iatrogenic PTSD needs to be a priority. I have 2 weeks before I need to go back up to get needles in my hips, and who knows how long before I actually have to go for full replacement surgery.

I feel it is a testament to the Occult training that I've not turned into a bitter asshole over any of this. Pain and trauma often erode the personality leaving people acting more like wounded animals than representing the better angels of their nature. Equally, it has allowed me to identify clues as to my own mental state. Getting angry about the Medical Cannabis was a good signal that something was wrong, and from there I made the connection to the Anniversary Date. The panic at the hospital was a surprise, but I can see it from a larger perspective. I'm also very aware of the anxiety I feel any time I encounter men on this journey. I honestly don't know how honest I can be with a male counsellor/therapist. My experience is that they tend to be competitive and judgemental and I instantly feel defensive. At the very least, the process of navigating the system is pointing out mile markers on the roadmap of the Shadow.

In Western Occultism we build something called the Magical Personality, a separate "self" which is used during the Work of magic, meditation, ritual, etc... This personality is supposed to be free of the random baggage which is attached to our primary personality which is formed at the whims of external forces. It's the difference between a cultivated formal Bonsai tree and one that's grown on a windswept hill.

One has to be careful not to corrupt the magical personality, so it cannot be used, say, for undergoing a medical procedure. On the other hand, if one is in an hospital waiting room and they take out a mala in order to practice ZaZen, well that's a perfectly normal use of that secondary personality. The Magical Personality tends to be "detached from results" and focuses on the work at hand. Perhaps one could call it a fine line between Mindfulness and Mindlessness.

Cultural Appropriation

In Canada right now there is a huge explosion in media around cultural appropriation. This relates to major media outlets having had important employees speak about things about which they are ignorant, and that is the hardest thing of all.

I will admit, when I moved to a city near a Native reserve, my knowledge of Native culture and the role Europeans had in trying to destroy it utterly. I was unfamiliar with systemic racism having come from a rather cosmopolitan city. I knew nothing about the Native Residential School System, and had no idea what Cultural Appropriation is all about.

I find the subject particularly concerning because one of my major fields of study, and passions, is anthropology. I love cultures. I love getting inside of them, seeing the world through their eyes, exploring their spirituality and relationship to the universe. Unlike some anthropologists of the past, I'm not interested out of a kind of sterile curiosity as were the colonial researchers of the past, but out of a desire to learn and discover.

Our Western Mysteries, and other traditions, teach us that we are all ONE, and that we are permutations of a single Limitless Light that refracts infinitely as we manifest in the universe. If we only ever look at that universe from a single point of view then it's like looking at a sculpture with a single light, through a hole in the wall. It might as well be a painting. Exploring and celebrating other cultures allows us to take that sculpture and rotate it around, shine different lights on it, and discover completely new wonders and joys.

So how does appropriation work then? We'll take a moment to cover this.

To the casual observer I'm sure my home, and my closet, look like a massive shrine to appropriation. I think what we have to ask ourselves is, what is the intent?

When I was young I'd go to the big Canadian tourist places with my Grandparents. It's one of the things you do. I remember a particular image that would pop up all of the time: an Indian man in profile, facing to the viewer's right, wearing a huge feathered headdress. This image was on nearly everything. I particularly remember wooden nickles and a drum I was given. A drum with a cardboard barrel (printed up like birch bark) and a kind of rubbery head with this guy's face on it. The drum was made in Taiwan or China, or somewhere, and it came with a beater, complete with fake feathers attached.

Appropriation Drum.

So here are products, sold by white people, made by Asian people, and sold on the power of the likeness of the Canadian Indian. In that exchange, the only people who didn't get a cut of the money were... yes the Native Canadian. That drum was made to look as Native as possible. It looked a lot like the one on the right, but with that "Indian Chief" image emblazoned across the "skin." Yes... to use this toy I had to figuratively beat a Native Canadian in the face... with a stick. How insane is that?

On the other hand, when I buy something now, I look into the source. I own some lovely Dashiki shirts, made in Africa, and sold at a booth by a self-employed African-Canadian woman. All of the money I spent on that piece is going to members of the culture from whence it came. Similarly if you buy Native Indian crafts on reserve, and not from Hot Topic or American Apparel, your money is going to the people of origin, as opposed to white millionaires who profit on the backs of other people.

The difference of intent is important to the Occultist. Are you truly supporting and celebrating a culture by purchasing a T-Shirt with a Cultural Design from a big company? Do you know if they had the legal rights to publish that design? Where is the money going? Knowing and planning are important. As Priests and Priestesses of the Universe we must strive to leave the world of Assiah somewhat better than it was when we entered.

Now the current debate comes down to Native Appropriation in Art. Here the lines get even less rigid. Toronto painter Amanda PL had her gallery show pulled when they they had a backlash because her paintings, inspired by the Woodlands Style, were not painted by a Native Canadian. Suddenly we come up against freedom of speech and expression, but also political history and social perception.

On one hand, we have a woman who has honed her craft to create beautiful paintings. On the other we have one more white person taking something away from Native Canadians and presenting it as her own. Yes, the paintings are her own, but the style is not.

In Canada during the 20th Century White People took Native Canadians, stole them away from their families, locked them in residential schools to "Civilize and Christianize" the savage barbarians. Children were beaten for speaking "the devil's tongue" and severely punished for trying to wear their own clothing from home. Many children never made it out alive, their parents waiting at airplanes for children who would never come home. I've known Res School survivors and they are all psychologically damaged in some way, by MY people, in MY lifetime.

Since the 1990's when the schools were finally shut down, Native Canadians have been striving to rebuild their culture and identity. It's been a hard road for them, and they've had to fight a lot of ignorance and racism along the way. It's only in 2017 that schools in Ontario are getting history curriculum units covering the Native Residential Schools, the '60s Scoop, and other atrocities Canada has inflicted upon its Native population. Ignorance in this area is so bad, many teachers ask why they have to learn and teach these units. They don't see the point.

So that's the political climate in which a white woman planned to have a huge gallery show, filled with Native inspired art, which—if sold—would not benefit a single Native Canadian.

What's the intent here? Most gallery shows are designed to make money. The gallery and the artists are in a position to benefit financially and socially from a culturally appropriated style in a political environment where many Native artists, doing the exact same work, cannot get even a single wall, let alone an entire gallery, on which to showcase their work. I've seen beautiful stuff rolled up in the hands of poor "Indians" who were going door to door trying to sell their work for a few bucks. In that situation, how can it be OK for a non-Native to show comparable work in a high-end art gallery?

The problem, I feel, with the current debate is that it seems to be scaring off the allies of indigenous peoples. If I write a book, does it mean everyone has to be White, or Whitish conforming to a singular culture? Am I allowed, as a White Author to include other cultures and peoples in my writing? That's not reductio ad absurdum, it happens all of the time right now where a white author writing a non-white character catches hell from the media. The problem is that you cannot represent an entire culture in a few characters.

For example, if I sit with my Native friends and build a Native character for a book or story, that character is only going to be representative of the experience of those people. Millions of other people will have a different experience of that culture, and they might, reasonably, feel that I was misrepresenting them in my writing.

Again, I come to intent. Does someone include non-White characters trying to capitalize on a culture? Does one put Black or African characters in a book hoping to tap into the "Black Market?" Or is the intent to be inclusive, to recognize that not everyone has the same backgrounds and the same skin colour? Different cultures include different motivations, different focuses in their education, and different ideologies. It took me forever to realize that a friend of mine was showing AFFECTION by poking fun at me. I was genuinely hurt because I didn't understand that, amongst the Anishnaabe, this was normal, affectionate behaviour one used towards good friends. I've learned to understand their humour, and often, prefer their company to those of my own culture with its hardened edges.

Coming to a clear point, as Occultists of the Western Tradition we are given one clear rule "we profess only to heal, and that freely." Healing means understanding the illness, and approaching it armed with knowledge, understanding, and empathy. We need to bring together all of the attributes of the six middle sephiroth and apply them to the world in Malkuth.

Remember, the first step to wisdom is admitting ignorance. If you're ever unsure about whether or not something is appropriation, find people of that ethnicity (it's not hard on the Internet) and approach them humbly and ask them for help.

"Hi, I'm writing/painting/doing this project, and I'm trying to be inclusive/celebratory/whatever of your culture, but do not know at what point I cross into appropriation and would like your help and input in making sure that the work I'm doing remains respectful."

Or something like that. You'll always run into some people who are too angry to be really helpful because you resemble an oppressor and a combination of projection and PTSD will make it impossible for them to help. Bless them in your heart and hope for their healing, and move on until you find someone who will help. I've known many people who would be happy to be asked, and help, if it meant seeing a familiar face in a book, or a familiar heart in art.

Perhaps like most people I ignore my blogs. Mostly it's because I'm never sure what I should bother writing in public rather than putting in my personal journal.

The path has been a meandering thing over the last few years. Of late I've been struggling with what I enjoy about the Hermetic Path and frustration with the Wiccan Path. Perhaps Gardnerian doesn't fit well with my temperament or something, I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm not feeling it, you know?

The problem is that throughout my life people have told me I'd make a great Priest. Ever since about 1=10, I've thought of myself, and other Occultists, as "Priests of the Universe," We work with energy and forces which connect to the primary Force of the universe, and as such should cultivate compassion and love for all things. I know too many systems in the Occult community that think the opposite of this, and that's why I often complain that we're missing Alchemical Salt in our training methods. We're short on the Green Ray, so to speak.

In my life, I did try to go a more traditional route to becoming a Priest. I considered it as an Anglican (Church of England) but there were parts of the catechism I couldn't handle. "We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table. "  Every time I heard that I shuddered. I couldn't imagine a God who fit the criteria of my understanding of the Divine, treating people like that. I imagined what would happen to someone who approached Odin in that fashion. He'd stomp on them and boot them out the door. Humility and humble access can be achieved while maintaining pride in one's self.

The problem was that I'd had experience of the Gods when I was young. About 15 or 16 maybe? And I had studied the Hermetic Qabalah for far too long not to notice that the "Christian" God was unbalanced on the Tree.

But there was always encouragement. For a while I studied at an Orthodox Synagogue, and they thought I'd make a great Rabbi. At the United Church I even had a mentor, and elderly minister who thought I'd be brilliant. The Conference (like a Diocese) said my disabilities were too severe because they couldn't place me anywhere they wanted.

From time to time I've looked at Wicca. Often there was some barrier. Usually distance, or a spouse with only the veneer of support (she's a Christian now, or so I've heard). And that brings me back to now.

The other night someone told me how much they appreciated what I did for their son. I didn't understand, so they explained. Their son was going through a pretty severe breakup. Some of the other, more macho, neighbours were giving him a hard time about it for whatever reason. I talked to him. We just talked. We talked about computers and work, and life, and whatever, and he felt better. I treated him like a fellow human being and somehow that meant the world to him at the time.

It struck me that I have to figure something out. It's time.

For the last few years I've had people bugging me to "put on the Elder hat." Even strangers at psychic fairs have said "So why haven't you put on the hat?" I suppose that equally asks, "why aren't you living as a Priest?" I suppose the answer comes down to: "I'm an Hermeticist brought up as a High Church Anglican, and I need the paper. I need the ritual to make it real." Priest and Elder seem to me titles conferred by a community or tradition. I've not done specific work towards those things, though much of my other work is likely incidentally or tangentially the same.

These are titles that change the way you interact with people. So I think people need to give them to you in a formalized way. They affect community, and the community should confer them.

I was complaining to a friend about what I see as a lack of interesting stuff to do in Gardnerian. She's an expert astrologer and said that, between what she knows about me, and my chart, I'd make an amazing High Priest. I've already walked through the gates of Death, so there's that Initiation, as well as the various initiations I've had elsewhere. The problem is that I cannot figure out how to make it to the Third Degree in Gardnerian when all I really want to focus upon is Second Order work from the Hermetic perspective. When I try to answer the "official questions" for Gardnerian advancement, they're not things I can get out of the written materials, and I cannot seem to get them out of anyone else either. So either the questions are poorly compiled, or there's a breakdown in communication. Either way, it's not helpful.

Force for Good?

The tradition into which I am initiated gives two instructions. They are similar to those given in the old Golden Dawn rituals. The one is to respect the form of religion professed by another because it is not up to us to define what is sacred to them. The other is to balance Severity and Mercy. Excess Severity is cruelty, excess Mercy is weakness which would allow evil to go unchecked.
The same tradition teaches us that evil (both Positive and Negative evil) is that which retards the evolution of mankind.

So herein lies the problem, when these three are in conflict, what is our job as Priests of the Universe and Servants of Light?

In a number of recent conversations I've been challenged when I've said negative things about the Roman Catholic Church and other branches of Christianity. Now I'll say, yes, there are some very good, spiritual and loving Christians, but even if you take entire denominations into account they are less than 5% of all Christian sects... in some countries much less. I do not speak of them.
The problem, as I see it, is that these organisations are doing, and have done, great harm to both individuals and nations. Crusades aside, the Native Residential Schools were a form of sanctioned cultural genocide which included physical, emotional and even sexual abuse, sometimes even outright murder. So horrifying was this that everyone and their dog has issued an apology in the last 5 or 10 years (even though the system wasn't finally shut down until about the mid 1990's).
The Catholic School Experience is not a positive one, and I've heard graduates, separated by decades in age, relate very, VERY similar experiences. The physical, psychological and spiritual abuse can take a lifetime to overcome. It is frightening. Yet, they are a "religion" and I should be respectful and nice to them.
What is "religion" then? Religion, in my definition, is any strongly held, codified set of beliefs. They do not have to include a "God" in their beliefs (such as political movements) but in the minds of the followers, they do not seem very different from the surity which accompanies religion. Spirituality is different. The religion is the code, the cultus (proscribed actions) and the scripture. The mind, body and soul, together. But what in this is truly "sacred?"
In Catholicism, for example, I would argue that the ideas of redemption, ressurection and forgiveness are sacred. I would also argue that demanding 12 year old children go to confession on threat of eternal damnation is not. Nor is surrounding small children with torture porn images of Jesus. Catholic children are not taught the religion, nor even the sacred, but trained based on behaviour. You go to confession, even if you have to make things up to tell the Priest. You pray daily, you go to mass, you go through the motions, because if you don't YOU'LL BURN IN ETERNAL TORMENT! Terrifying children does not, in my mind, promote the evolution of humanity, nor shall I consider it "sacred."
How about the myriad sects who preach that you're going to Hell if you're not a member. Some are mangnamonious enough to allow that ALL Christians will get to heaven, but a large percentage are of the opinion that only the RIGHT KIND of Christian is allowed into Eternal Paradise. And you don't even have to be a good person, all of your sins are washed away because you accept Jesus as Lord and do his work "saving" humanity. At least, psychologically, there is something to be said for belonging to the "One and only true way" and being able to look down your nose at everyone else. It's false pride and community, but it's something.
In fact, I would argue that the entire industry of brain-washing young children into being afraid of Hell, believing they are the only ones going to Heaven and having nothing but distain and loathing for everyone else is, in it self, retarding human development. And this is not limited to Christianity. No, it has a brother, just as bad.
See, not all religions are like this. Not all religions conform to the Christian/Islam model of self-righteous condemnation of the world as a whole. The problem is that when one has respect for others, the other without respect has the power. "You're welcome to believe as you will, and follow the image of God you see fit" is a wonderful, beautiful sentiment. It does not fare so well when faced with "...and my God says you must all be wiped from the Earth in order to hasten his coming and stop you from condemning our children to hell with your lies."
We have seen this time and time again. A Native religion, such as that of the UK and Northern Europe is all but wiped out by Christian influence. Those who worshipped the Old Gods allowed them in, embraced them as brothers, and then got stabbed in the back. Hinduism, which sees all people as manifestations of the Godhead has been struggling for its very survival while Muslims burn Hindu temples and desecrate their sacred places.
Does not respect go two ways? If they respect other religions, than I believe we must respect them as well. But a religion of conversion, of hate, of violence cannot be included. It is true, an Occultist should be able to kneel at any Altar of Light. What I'm asking is, should we not exercise discrimmination and separate the Light from the Dark? Shall we treat Satanism, Coercive Cults, Scientology, and those who desecrate the sacred (like the "Kabbalah Center") in the same way that we treat Hinduism, Judaism, Shinto, Buddhism, Taoism, and Native Reconstructionsit Movements (Modern Paganism, Asatru, Greek and Roman reconstructionists, etc...)??? Should we not, as Magicians, as Priests of Light, say to some: "No, Thou art not one of us, thou hast forsaken the Light?"
Recently the Bishop in charge of making new laws and procedures for catching Paedophiles in the Roman Catholic Church was charged with Paedophelia. 16 was too old for him. 14 was the upper limit and some he paid in cash, others in coccaine. And yet, we shall not say that the Roman Catholic Church is corrupt right to its very core. No, we shall defend them as doing good in the world! Well I'm afraid I simply cannot agree.
I feel that the problem with the teaching outlined at the beginning of this post is incomplete and vague. What does it mean by "form of religion?" What does it mean by "sacred?" When are the religion and the church two separate entities? How can truly egalitarian and spiritual people respect such rigid, hateful and harmful religions? I believe it is incumbent upon us to call them out when we see them. And though we have true Brethren who follow Jesus and Mohammud, they are such a small minority that I wonder how we can even include them in the words "Christian" and "Muslim."
If we are to move forward as a race we need to break down the hate and fear of these religions. Perhaps they started as religions of Light, but they have fallen, fallen very far from their founding ideology. They have become corrupt. And we cannot simply blame "organised religion" as so many are wont to do. Other religions are organised, and they have no dreams of global conquest and the damnation of their fellows. Shinto and Buddhism, both organised in Japan, exist side by side. Some things have beld, one into the other, and yet they are more like a married couple than adversaries. Some people consider themselves belonging to both religions. Shinto itself has no funeral rites, Shinto funerals are performed by Buddhists. Judaism is structured and organised yet they have a tradition of refusing people three times if they want to convert. Most Jews just want to be allowed to live in peace, make a living, love God.
What we need to do is re-focus our attention on "Corporatised Religion!" The Roman Catholic Church is the greatest corporation in the world. It has a pan-global hierarchical structure unheard of in most of the world's religions. Christian denominations are companies, and their Priests and Ministers, employees. I know one case where a prospective minister was denied ordination in the United Church because his health precluded him from coverage under their insurance policy. It had nothing to do with his abilities, his sincerity nor his religion, but because the corporation could not hire him as an employee.
Jews have no such hierarchy. A Rabbi goes to school, graduates and gets his credentials. He then has to apply for positions with Synagouges which are independantly run by their communities. They have organisations to help in this process and a few that are dedicated to networking and communications, more associations than anything else. They have no chief Rabbi who is in charge of all Jews (regardless of denomination/sect) though an individual country might have a posting for "Chief Rabbi," they are not authoritarians in the same way of a Bishop or a Pope. Organisation has not turned into corporatisation.
Corporate Religion needs to be addressed. Religions that harm others need to be calle

Holy Crowley, Can we give it a rest?

I'm convinced that Aleister Crowley is a folk hero. It is the only way I can reconcile the dissonance between his continued influence in Western Occultism and the fact that he was a terrible example of a magician. It seems to me that he single-handedly obfuscated over 100 years of occultism and occult study, becoming the very "Ape of Thoth" he saw in others.

The reason I bring this up is that I've been reading a new (2016) book on magic, and find the influence of Crowley still overshadows the writings and work of far superior 20th century occultists. The author derides 19th century occult schools (calling them Victorian swingers' clubs) while still using old man Crowley as an authority. The book is about abandoning outmoded thinking in the 21st century!

It seems as though authors would rather lean on this wealthy rebellious Victorian rather than brave the remote possibility of being seen as a Christian sympathizer by referencing the work of other occultists. This is just as personally dogmatic as the doctrines against which they are supposedly rebelling in the first place. It's the exact same blinders to which they are pointing in mainstream society.

Yet, authors like Dion Fortune, Paul Foster Case, W.E. Butler, Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki, and others, are only superficially Christian at best. Some are down right Pagan! Butler was a Liberal Catholic priest, sure, but Crowley formed at Gnostic Catholic Church! In both cases, Catholic means "Universal," and the Roman Catholic Church was the Universal Church of Rome, the official state religion of the empire. If you push past that and read Butler, you'll see he's far more Gnostic than Roman, and in fact more Gnostic than Crowley's "Gnostic" church. (Crowley never lived to know about the Nag Hammidi texts, this discovery coming only two years before his death while Crowley was in poor health.)

Quite possibly the most frustrating part about reading modern "occultists" is "Chaos Magic" and  certain Wiccan approaches to Western Occultism. I get that Wicca is basically stripped down for export. Crowley thought it was "Thelema for the masses" or some such. So I can be a little more forgiving of its lack of sound theory, but the Chaos Magic writers seem to have found only half of the keys, and somehow continually miss the point.

The thing is, I keep reading Chaotes at the insistence of a good friend, but continually find my opinion reinforced. On one hand, they may have a strong grasp of modern economics, but then give a practical instruction that could only come from someone without a solid theoretical basis in magic or ceremonial. They will quote quantum theory on one page and then seem to miss how it's connected to ritual theory on another. They'll discuss the importance of magic's psychological impact, but then miss how that impact can best be applied.

One thing that got me was a ritual instruction that referred to candles and incense as "mere theatrics." This completely misses the point of magical work in the first place. Certainly, in today's age, candles are theatrical, but the psychological impact is to trigger our subconscious mind in order to make it receptive to the work we are undertaking. We have innumerable cultural images of candle-lit rituals and even the experience of candles as ritual and magical tools (regardless of religious tradition) that to discount them outright is to miss a valuable tool.

To dismiss theatrics is equally poor theory. The power of psychodrama is a cornerstone of all occult work as it implants images and suggestions into the subconscious mind, the place where magic really happens. And do dismiss the well documented power of scent as tied to mental and psychological processes is, beyond words.

Often the things about which they write are internally inconsistent. On one hand an author might suggest that the best way to be initiated is through a ritual using psychotropic drugs as administered ritually by a trained Shamen or Priest. Yet at another point dismiss other initiatory traditions. In my understanding of occult theory, there is no difference. Both methods require the administration of initiation by an external initiator. Regardless of method, the initiatory experience is dependant upon the power and experience of the initiator. It is up to them to prepare you for the initiatory experience, to plug you in and turn you on so that the initiatory experience can manifest.

Both types of initiation only prepare you for the experience which then manifests separately. Even the most powerful initiatory experience can still take years to properly ground out and manifest in the personality regardless of the presence of presently illegal psychotropics. Furthermore, the incenses that are traditionally used in these initiatory traditions are, themselves, psychoactive in nature. Dittany of Crete, Myrrh, Sandalwood,  Frankincense, Aloeswood, etc... Dion Fortune writes about using the Fire of Azrael—using Juniper, Sandlewood, and Cedar—as a magical tool.

Psychodrama itself, when used properly, can have very similar effects on the brain as various psychoactive plants. Include the psychological impact of a well written ceremonial combined with appropriate lighting and copious amounts of the traditional incenses, and a legitimate initiator, and you have everything necessary to plug in and turn on anyone who is ready to be turned on.

I say "ready to be turned on" because it doesn't matter what methods you use, if the individual is not ready, the initiation simply will not occur. Even if you're using a heavy-handed method like LSD or peyote, you're more likely to just have a "good trip" than an initiatory experience.

Further, it seems to me that most people don't understand what initiation is about anyway.
Although this "turning on" is important, it is only one part of the process. The other parts include impressing on the subconscious the keys that access the particular current into which you are being initiated, and to welcome you to an ingroup of some description. This is why, regardless of experience or education, you must be "initiated" into every different group with which you wish to work. Initiation also connects you to an egregore and a current of force specific to that group. I cannot imagine much benefit to being "turned on" without having a current or egregore with which to connect. To my mind, initiating a person simply to initiate them, and then leave them to their own devices, is unethical.

In may ways, I do agree with some of the things these guys are writing. Yes, we need to break out of the societal moulds into which we are placed. We need to rebel against the barrage of advertising that constantly tries to make us conform. But I often wonder if these writers are conflating Ethics and Morals. One has to do with conforming to social customs, the other has to do with causing harm to self and others.

Perhaps the most important thing I take away from reading modern occult writers is that I've been extremely fortunate in my occult career. Perhaps it is not their fault that they lack a good foundation in magical theory. In many ways, this seems a self-fulfilling cycle. Authors who don't have a good foundation in occult theory inspire other writers to work from the same position.

The cool kids all reject formal occult education, and so they perpetrate a lack of understanding when it comes to occult and magical theory. They then end up falling back onto the rock-star attitudes of a certain extremely wealthy Victorian madman who, more than anything else, loved to see his name in print. He thumbed his nose at authority, and got angry when anyone said no to him. He's the perfect folk hero for an age where we're seeing our Post-WWII economy fail, and feel some of his ideas on religion are being vindicated.

But here's my problem. Crowley died destitute, addicted to heroin, alone, and quite possibly insane. He either drove all of his wives and partners mad, or was only attracted to women who suffered from mental illness in the first place. He utterly wasted a massive fortune while thinking he was both a Gnostic Saint and the new Messiah, delivering the Word of the Gods unto humanity. From all reports, he was an abusive megalomaniac, and is, in my opinion, the perfect example of a failed magician. His should be a cautionary tale, a fate to avoid at all costs. Someone to avoid.

The problem with other occult authors is that most of them lived quite, fulfilling lives surrounded by friends, family, and beloved students. They wrote, not for shock value, not to get their names in papers, but because they felt they had something worth sharing with the world. The best of them were always humble, seeing themselves as servants of the greater good, whatever they might call it in their personal cosmology. In short, they lived the Great Work. Maybe that's not sexy enough for the post-modern era, I don't know. What I do know is that the world about which the Chaotes write is not one with which I can relate. The occultists to whom they refer are not representative of those with whom I've worked.

...And once again, I'm reminded how lucky I've been.
Regardless of my feelings towards the Order's administration, the Work has given me an excellent education.

Tragedy and my Relationship with the Divine

For the second time in two years a friend of mine has gone missing with tragic results. At times when horrible things like this happen people can find it hard to relate to their Gods. I have heard many people say "if there is a God then why ...?" They wonder how we're supposed to trust them to reward our efforts or to look after us. I must assume this comes from the "covenant" religions. In those religions, mostly Western Abrahamic religions, the idea is that if we behave in a certain way we will be rewarded, and in another we will be punished.

The problem with this particular type of thinking when it comes to an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent monotheistic GOD, is the belief that this entity has YOUR best interests in mind. This is impossible, because, by definition, it must also have the best interests of everyone else in mind as well. And then to give us the power of volition! We make choices, and sometimes we, and others, suffer for them. It's a limited way of thinking. The "God" in Atziluth is impersonal, because it's beyond such limitations as personality. This is why there can be no name, only titles and hints and formulae. We might as well be angry with the Higg's Field when things go badly as with the conscious universe.

When it comes to the Gods (which I place in Briah, the Archetypal world) they have individual consciousness. They are something to which we can relate. I think this is the true symbol of "the son" symbolism. We look at the tree and see Kether reflected in Tiphareth. We see the One Life Power distilled into personality forms with which we can relate.

Now when it comes to my relationship I don't rely on any other's covenant. There's no instruction of "do this and I'll give you that" or the bargaining "if I do this, will you give me that." Thinking about it this week my relationship with my Gods is very much the same as an adult child's relationship with their parents, and very different from that between a parent and a small child, or a slave and their King. (The forms of the Christian Mass come from the forms of address to the Persian Emperor. Lord of lords, King of Kings, very God of very God... and the whole space is set up like a throne room holding court.)

My Gods promise to me is simple, love, compassion, understanding, caring. They give advice, and act as confidants. They're a shoulder to cry on and a presence with whom to laugh and celebrate. Sometimes they even introduce me to new people, people I need to know, to teach, or learn from (or more often, both) just as any parent might. The Gods give guidance but never coerce. They occasionally give me a kick in the ass when necessary. They offer healing, both spiritual and to some extent physical, but not without expecting me to be part of the process. But mostly, just love, without conditions.

They are strength, encouragement, love, compassion, drive, direction, guidance, and occasionally the boot in the ass I need. They don't always bring what I want into my life, but it's always what I need, even if it takes many years to appreciate it's necessity.

For me, I love my Gods, those who have chosen me to be amongst their own. I want them to be proud of me, the same way I want my parents to be proud. When bad things happen, I don't blame the Gods, I blame the Chaos into which we are born and the "free choice" and personal volition that is the gift of us all. I cannot control someone else's choices, and most of the time, "bad things" are the result of someone else making a choice (or many people, in a complex web leading to a tragedy or other challenge that I must face).

I worship the Gods because I feel good doing so. I enjoy their presence, I enjoy their force, their power, their energy, and most of all, their love. It isn't a duty or a coupon card (go to temple x number of times... get into Heaven!). I talk to them because they DO answer me, not always explicitly, but always there is an answer.

If not for my Goddess, I would never have survived the last 20 years. I can guarantee that I would have given up fighting these illnesses a long time ago. The God I call Mother gave me the love and support I needed not to fall too deeply into despair, and the God I call Father gave me the strength and desire to endure. I am grateful.

When it comes to tragedy, though, I cannot blame them. Instead I rely on them even more. I rely on them to heal my heart, to strengthen me when my own strength fails, to witness my tears, and to fill me back up when the tears leave me empty.

I don't know if this little essay is of value to anyone, but when so many of us are grieving and seeking answers, I wanted to share just in case it helped someone else.
Bright Blessings, even in darkness.

Moving on...

Spring Equinox is here and with it a new journey. I dissolve an association I've had for 22 years and leave behind an organization that has reached a point where small mindedness prevails. After years and years of making excuses for the behaviour of so-called "Adepts," I leave behind what was once an important part of my life. Understand that I have no issues with the WORK of FLO, at least as it pertains to the written course materials both inner and outer, but the personalities which make up the organization. Behaviour patterns that I once thought were the exception seem to be the rule, and far too many people I've truly respected have left over the years due to problems within the structure.

I feel sad for the students of the Outer Court though. It was, in fact, standing up (once again) for our students who belong to minorities that I didn't watch my back and discovered exactly how petty certain, supposedly enlightened, people can be. I'm no longer angry about it though, because I see how it has shown me the underlying MO which I thought was unique to certain individuals is, in fact, very wide spread indeed. I do not know what the cause and effect relationship is there, whether the work makes people like that, or whether people like that are attracted to this work, but I do not want to become that, and so I move on.

No longer will I have to make excuses for bigoted, rude or insensitive posts, e-mails or videos. No longer will I juggle damage control and try to protect people's public image from their own behaviour. No. Now I can focus on the Work in new ways, with new freedoms. It also means nothing stops me from working with Covens in various Wiccan traditions, nor does it stop me from initiating people myself for I no longer am bound by their rituals, nor do I need their permission.

I will persist in the mandate given to me when I died in 1997 though: I will not refuse any honest question from a sincere student, nor will I refuse to help them should they ask. That goes for the Probationers of FLO as well as for anyone else I encounter. I see how promoting the FLO Outer Court had become a crutch to me, absolving me of the responsibility of taking on students of my own by using the Fraternity as a buffer. I don't even know how many people have approached me in the past and I simply handed them an application for the Outer Court somehow thinking that this was the same thing as accepting their desire to learn. Now I can write my own lessons, take on my own students, and simply teach them.

Still, handing out that application and working with the international students over the last decade has taught me SO much and been unbelievable experience. Perhaps I needed that, just as a professor needs to work as an assistant or a craftsman works as a journeyman. I have so much more confidence when I think of working with students than I would have had otherwise. When I think of how clumsy I was 15 or 20 years ago I gain a new appreciation for the experience I've gained as a Director of Probationers.

I want to thank all of the people who have given me positive feedback since I made this decision public. I've had such wonderfully supportive messages from both current and previous members of FLO, as well as non-members who I have known through other venues. It galvanizes the rightness of this move, and later today I will be posting my official resignation to the FLO-Probationers Group, even though they have done everything in their power to try to stop me from doing so. Perhaps that speaks even greater volumes than anything else.

I'm feeling good about this though, as though a huge weight has been lifted from me, a chain removed from my soul. The Light I carry was not meant for an Ivory Tower to flicker alone in a dark room, it was meant to shine, to be a beacon, to light the Path and banish the darkness. My only regret is that there will no longer be anyone to stand up for the minorities in the Probationer's Yahoo Group. There will be no one to sooth the sting of unkind words, harsh replies and offensive comments from the "Adepts" of the order. There will be nobody to encourage them to walk the path regardless of the ignorance of old men.

So fare well those who few good people in the Fraternity. Good luck to all students of the Outer Court. Try always to focus on the printed work, some of it was written by the very best of us. Try to avoid politics at all costs, and never judge anyone by their baldric, for not everyone who claims a high grade is enlightened, and not everyone who sits in the low grades is truly a neophyte.