Perhaps like most people I ignore my blogs. Mostly it's because I'm never sure what I should bother writing in public rather than putting in my personal journal.

The path has been a meandering thing over the last few years. Of late I've been struggling with what I enjoy about the Hermetic Path and frustration with the Wiccan Path. Perhaps Gardnerian doesn't fit well with my temperament or something, I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm not feeling it, you know?

The problem is that throughout my life people have told me I'd make a great Priest. Ever since about 1=10, I've thought of myself, and other Occultists, as "Priests of the Universe," We work with energy and forces which connect to the primary Force of the universe, and as such should cultivate compassion and love for all things. I know too many systems in the Occult community that think the opposite of this, and that's why I often complain that we're missing Alchemical Salt in our training methods. We're short on the Green Ray, so to speak.

In my life, I did try to go a more traditional route to becoming a Priest. I considered it as an Anglican (Church of England) but there were parts of the catechism I couldn't handle. "We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table. "  Every time I heard that I shuddered. I couldn't imagine a God who fit the criteria of my understanding of the Divine, treating people like that. I imagined what would happen to someone who approached Odin in that fashion. He'd stomp on them and boot them out the door. Humility and humble access can be achieved while maintaining pride in one's self.

The problem was that I'd had experience of the Gods when I was young. About 15 or 16 maybe? And I had studied the Hermetic Qabalah for far too long not to notice that the "Christian" God was unbalanced on the Tree.

But there was always encouragement. For a while I studied at an Orthodox Synagogue, and they thought I'd make a great Rabbi. At the United Church I even had a mentor, and elderly minister who thought I'd be brilliant. The Conference (like a Diocese) said my disabilities were too severe because they couldn't place me anywhere they wanted.

From time to time I've looked at Wicca. Often there was some barrier. Usually distance, or a spouse with only the veneer of support (she's a Christian now, or so I've heard). And that brings me back to now.

The other night someone told me how much they appreciated what I did for their son. I didn't understand, so they explained. Their son was going through a pretty severe breakup. Some of the other, more macho, neighbours were giving him a hard time about it for whatever reason. I talked to him. We just talked. We talked about computers and work, and life, and whatever, and he felt better. I treated him like a fellow human being and somehow that meant the world to him at the time.

It struck me that I have to figure something out. It's time.

For the last few years I've had people bugging me to "put on the Elder hat." Even strangers at psychic fairs have said "So why haven't you put on the hat?" I suppose that equally asks, "why aren't you living as a Priest?" I suppose the answer comes down to: "I'm an Hermeticist brought up as a High Church Anglican, and I need the paper. I need the ritual to make it real." Priest and Elder seem to me titles conferred by a community or tradition. I've not done specific work towards those things, though much of my other work is likely incidentally or tangentially the same.

These are titles that change the way you interact with people. So I think people need to give them to you in a formalized way. They affect community, and the community should confer them.

I was complaining to a friend about what I see as a lack of interesting stuff to do in Gardnerian. She's an expert astrologer and said that, between what she knows about me, and my chart, I'd make an amazing High Priest. I've already walked through the gates of Death, so there's that Initiation, as well as the various initiations I've had elsewhere. The problem is that I cannot figure out how to make it to the Third Degree in Gardnerian when all I really want to focus upon is Second Order work from the Hermetic perspective. When I try to answer the "official questions" for Gardnerian advancement, they're not things I can get out of the written materials, and I cannot seem to get them out of anyone else either. So either the questions are poorly compiled, or there's a breakdown in communication. Either way, it's not helpful.