Tales of Trauma II

The hip injections were a terrible idea.

After the repeated assertions that I would not get any Cortisone in my bloodstream I had clear symptoms within 24 hours. Appetite, insomnia, smell, sense of taste skewed, etc... and of course the associations that go with them. It's been hellish.

Add to this that the pain in those joints is now 10x worse than ever, I'm regretting being talked into that particular treatment.

This week I further discovered another psychic landmine.

After finally getting to sleep (after a week of insomnia) I awoke with a pounding sensation in all of my veins. I got up, dizzy, nauseated, headache, and took my blood pressure.

At 164/105 I had a pain in my chest and the inside of my left arm. Like a responsible adult, I pushed through the anxiety and got a ride up to the hospital for checks.

I was keeping it together until they decided they needed to put in an IV so they could administer a Nitro spray and catch me if I dropped too far.

It didn't matter how much the doctor and nurse tried to explain the necessity, the very idea of getting that IV was too much. I remember being outside of myself, or deep inside, observing as the Lizard Brain cried, sobbed, and screamed.

It was terrifying. The reaction was visceral, involuntary, and instantaneous. I kept trying to calm myself, much like trying to get control of a spooked horse. And like a horse, it kept spooking at the same words.

I'm fortunate to have had some support on hand, someone to tell them that they were witnessing Autism with PTSD. I'm grateful to have had someone to ground me and keep my consciousness trying to re-connect.

They tried me on Ativan to see if I could calm down enough to even talk about it, but the moment the doctor said IV, I switched off and had to struggle back to "here" again.

I'm finding it harder and harder to articulate these experiences, and harder and harder to talk about the trauma that created these problems in the first place. Each time I meet with a new agency I have to start over from scratch, and they invariably tell me that they don't do that kind of treatment, that I need someone with experience in PTSD, and, that there isn't anyone to talk to, or anywhere to go. 

The worst part is that unless I find a way to start working on these hard-wired psychic wounds, there's no possible way I can get my joint surgeries done.